The differences

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Four and a half years ago I met the man I will one day soon call my husband. We’re actively making plans to make the most important commitment two people can make to one another. Next October we’ll make it official in front of the people closest to us, and honestly, if I could do it today, I probably would. He is my everything, my reason for getting up every morning. Even if we have a bad day, we can always rely on the other to be there the next morning.

The same couldn’t be said for my first real relationship. Every time we would argue, he would threaten to break up with me. If we did break up (or take a “break,” as he liked to call it), I would always be the one begging him to come back, which usually consisted of 2-3 weeks of me bending over backwards to make him feel like I was committed to the relationship. I see the irony now, considering he was the one with massive commitment issues, but at the time, all I felt was that I was the one with problems, not him.

After that, I would walk on egg shells for a few months, only to have it blow up in my face when I expressed anything he considered to be “negative” feelings about our relationship. This happened so many times I’ve lost count of the number of times we broke up/got back together. Our mutual “friends” would almost always take his side, saying I was the one with the problem, that I was being too sensitive and needy, and that I needed to back off. Which was probably all true. I have a very bad habit of clinging tighter when I think someone is slipping away from me, but the fact that they saw nothing wrong with his emotional black mail and even ENCOURAGED it was the nail in the coffin as far as our friendships were concerned. Oh and their sleeping with him. That definitely didn’t help, but that is beside the point.

Its taken me all these years to finally figure out what the big difference between my two major relationships were. With Joe, I feel needed, like it would cause him physical, mental, and emotional pain to lose me. With my ex, I didn’t feel needed or appreciated. I was arm candy that could be disposed of if I got too difficult to deal with. After I found out he was gay, I finally realized that is exactly what I was. How could someone think he was gay if he had a girlfriend, right? His family never even suspected, not even his twin brother. When they found out it was as if the world had stopped turning. His suicide paled in comparison to finding out he was gay. It made me realize why he worked so hard to hide it from them, he knew he would lose everything if they knew.

But it still didn’t make what he did to me okay. He could have trusted me with the truth, and I probably would have helped him. Would I have been angry at being lied to? Absolutely. But I loved him, and I wanted what was best for him. If that couldn’t be me, then I would have helped him get to where he needed to be to be happy, even if that meant hiding who he was from his family. I deserved better. He deserved to be happy. Neither one of us acted honestly in our relationship, and it cost the world one of its best people.

I couldn’t have realized all this until I met Joe though. Before I was bitter. I felt wronged, and no amount of pointing out my failings in our relationship made me realize that I was partially at fault for the way it ended. Our friends and his family, as well as his actions were definitely the bulk of the problems, but I should have stood up for myself and walked away long before I actually did instead of begging him to take me back more times than I care to remember. I should have realized that he never loved me the way I loved him, and I was fighting a losing battle trying to keep him.

I can’t write this without adding that my ex helped me become the person I am today. I’m stronger. I realize that my feelings are valid, and its okay to feel the way I do. By making me feel worthless and unneeded, he helped me realize that I was worth something to a lot of people, and they needed me more than anything in this world. While I still have lingering issues from the way he treated me, 95% of the time I’m a confident, happy person that realizes her worth in this world, and I can only thank my ex for that.

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I am the world’s worst blogger

I really am, but that’s okay, right? I hope so. Life has been, well, life. Busy between work and school, still working out the details of the wedding (we’ve found a place!), and making sure to find the balance between pleasing others and taking care of myself. After a whirlwind few weekends, I declared last weekend Joe and I only time. Not everyone was horribly pleased about it, but we needed the break. We went to the fair on Sunday, spent way too much money, came home, crashed for a few hours, then went to get ramen for dinner. With Joe’s new schedule we only have one weekend day off together, but he works so early that he’s home by 2pm on Saturday, so its not a complete waste of a day if we actually go out and do stuff.

Oh! I got a new computer! A brand new, only ever been owned by me computer! Since my mac died we’ve been living off hand me downs and borrowed computers, but I got my financial aid check a few weeks ago, so we got me a new computer and Joe a ps3 since he had to sell his a few months ago. They had some ridiculously good deals t Walmart for both, so we didn’t spend all that much. Since I only use the computer for school and blogging, we didn’t need the super mac daddy of computers.

Well, I have to get ready for work, so I will talk to everyone later!

You ever have one of those days?

depression

Its been a bad week. The temp agency hasn’t been able to find me any work, and the one job they do have, I don’t qualify for (I live too far, apparently. WTF?), so I have been emailing my resume all over hell and back this morning. Goose eggs. Nothing. Not even an automated email to tell me they got it. Really? Maybe I need to switch computers, who knows.

I started my period on Monday, which most would consider good news. Since I have a BC implant that is supposed to make those go away however, I’m a little concerned, especially after some of the horror stories I have heard. I’ve had it in for just over two years now, and the SOB is supposed to be good for three years. I’m planning on getting it removed anyways, but this doesn’t help me freak out less. No way am I ready for a baby, and if this thing fails, there is nothing else stopping his little swimmers. NOTHING. And his dad didn’t have four kids for nothing.

And then I get a call. Apparently something went wrong with my drug test, and they need to speak with me about some “medication” they found. Except I haven’t gotten a single phone call from them, I had to find out through the temp agency, who can’t even place me on another assignment until they get a clean drug screen back. So I have to call like six different people to figure out what the hell this is all about. Turns out it was my headache meds. Really? Like, seriously? Gah.

Timeto go fill out more job applications. Yay! (sarcasm)

I’m alive… kind of

Photo on 6-28-13 at 7.20 PM

Well that’s awesome, gotta love photo booth 🙂

No, I’m not ACTUALLY floating amongst the clouds, I was just messing around with photo booth on my computer. For free software that came with the computer, its kind of awesome. Might have to see what else I can do…

So ummm, yea. Life. June has been a hell of a month. I’m going to be really glad when its over. My little brother is turning 21 on Sunday though, so at least there is one bright side to this whole month. Joe and I are both gainfully employed, and we’re all caught up on our bills. We even had a surplus of cash last week, so we went to a fancy schmancy fish restaurant and ate way too much soft shell crab. I didn’t have an allergic reaction to everything, and we went on our merry way home and promptly PTFO’d. And I’ve had a low grade migraine all week that decided it would choose today of all days to try and squeeze my brain out of its skull, so I shall be looking into the health insurance I pay out the ass for and seeing if I can afford to go to the doctor and get some control medication. It would be really great to not feel like the world is caving in around me, ya know?

Otherwise, its been rather uneventful for the last couple of weeks. What have you guys been up to?

Yesterday…

Me and Joe at the beach, taken by my best friend

Me and Joe at the beach, taken by my best friend

I should start off with an apology. Yesterday’s post turned into a woe is me, I hate my life rant that never should have seen the light of day. I’d like to say thank you to all the people who took the time to read it, I know it wasn’t easy to read.

The second thing I’d like to start with is a confession. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2007, shortly after my ex committed suicide. I’m not currently on any medication (no health insurance and no money to pay out of pocket), but I do have other coping mechanisms that don’t take care of the symptoms the way medication does, but do allow me to function on a somewhat consistent basis. I’ve just chosen not to use them over the last few weeks, and yesterday’s post was a culmination of that.

I can’t guarantee it won’t happen again, but I’ve sat down with Joe and gone over my concerns and my fears, and he is going to keep me accountable. I’m going to finish this post and then get off the computer for a little bit to clear my head and make some breakfast, and then I’ll be back to start the job hunt. Wish me luck?