I’m going to do my best to post here and on my main blog everyday. If it happens, fantastic. If not, I won’t beat myself up over it. Today’s post is going to be a bit of a “brain drain” and may or may not get deleted tomorrow morning when I realize I let a little too much crazy show. But until then, here it is:
I’m scared. My health has taken a nose dive in the last few weeks. Its all I can do to drag myself out of bed every morning, and two days to recharge just isn’t enough with having to keep the house clean and just generally be a responsible adult who takes care of her responsibilities on a regular basis. Throw in the wedding planning and school, and its a fucking miracle I haven’t snapped yet. I’m afraid that its going to be directed at Joe, and the mini meltdown I had last week tells me I’m not putting my mental health high enough on the list of priorities, and that needs to change quickly before I push Joe away.
The problem is, even after 4 1/2 years together, I’m afraid to show him just how crazy I really am. I’m afraid he’ll leave, or worse yet, tell me he can’t deal with my level of crazy. But I’m so fucking tired of pretending I’m okay when I’m not. I know in my brain that he won’t leave, or tell me to deal with it on my own, but I’m just so used to everyone around me bailing when I’m not 100% okay that I’m terrified he is going to do the same thing. Its not fair to him to hide it from him, but I don’t want to burden him even further than he already is. He already does so much, and I’m spoiled to the point of excess when it comes to how much he does for me and our life together that it doesn’t seem fair to burden him with something I know how to take care of.
I just don’t like who I become when I take care of it, because taking care of the crazy involves crazy pills, which turn me into someone I don’t really like. I know its a trial and error game and I didn’t give it enough time last time, but how different can they really be? And figuring out the right combination is so exhausting, that I don’t know if I can deal with it with everything else that is going on. I know I have a pretty bleak outlook on everything tonight because I’m tired and I’ve been up for almost 17 hours, but I just want to be better.
My head and uterus aren’t exactly helping matters either. This whole cramping like I’m 16 again and having headaches from hell isn’t helping me deal with my shit. I’m just tired.