A rough couple of days. My assignment ended yesterday, so now I’m out of work… again. Joe put in a good word for me with his job, so hopefully something will pan out on that end. If not, its back to the job hunt… again.
On Sunday, I told Joe I needed to go back on medication for bipolar disorder. He was more accepting than I could have hoped for. Now to just finish my application for health care and get the long process of health started. I’m not going to settle like I did last time. I’m just not looking forward to the process. It’s going to be a lot of trial and error, and it can take a while.
And its not like I don’t have a lot on my plate already. School, job hunt, planning the wedding. Other health concerns that warrant attention themselves. Family issues that would make the housewives on any of those housewives shows head’s spin. A house that seems to constantly get dirty faster than I can clean it. In a word, stress. I don’t do stress well, and the last few days have been proof positive of that. I just need to stay focused on the long term goal: getting healthy for me.
Two whole glorious days of not having to work are ahead of me. It brightens my outlook considerably. I have a pint of late night snack in the freezer, an incredible man screaming obscenities at the video game he is playing in front of me, and two whole days to focus on ME. On the agenda for tomorrow is a pampering day full of bubble baths and pretty nails, then Sunday is an “us” day, hanging out with my most favorite person in the whole world. We have plans to go get him a hair cut and me an eyebrow wax (the price of beauty), but other than that, I plan on lounging for the rest of the day in pj’s.
Yesterday was… bad. I’ve decided to leave the post up as a reminder that it’s okay to have bad days. We all have them, they’re what make us human. I’m going to talk to Joe on Sunday once we’ve both had a chance to relax and mellow out, and I think I’m going to print it out and/or show it to him. After 4 1/2 years together, he deserves to know the truth. I realize he’ll probably be upset with me for hiding it from him for so long, but something has to change. While I know we all have bad days, mine tend to have a negative impact on my life, and I don’t want that to happen. I’ll be finishing my application for health care this weekend, so hopefully I will be able to start the journey towards being bodily and mindfully healthy again.
I can’t promise there won’t be bad days. There will be. Last time I started this journey it took me six months to find medication that worked, and even then it had some rather difficult side effects. I’m not going to compromise this time, even if it takes longer to find the right combination and dosage. I need to be better, and I’m determined to get there any way I can.
I’m going to do my best to post here and on my main blog everyday. If it happens, fantastic. If not, I won’t beat myself up over it. Today’s post is going to be a bit of a “brain drain” and may or may not get deleted tomorrow morning when I realize I let a little too much crazy show. But until then, here it is:
I’m scared. My health has taken a nose dive in the last few weeks. Its all I can do to drag myself out of bed every morning, and two days to recharge just isn’t enough with having to keep the house clean and just generally be a responsible adult who takes care of her responsibilities on a regular basis. Throw in the wedding planning and school, and its a fucking miracle I haven’t snapped yet. I’m afraid that its going to be directed at Joe, and the mini meltdown I had last week tells me I’m not putting my mental health high enough on the list of priorities, and that needs to change quickly before I push Joe away.
The problem is, even after 4 1/2 years together, I’m afraid to show him just how crazy I really am. I’m afraid he’ll leave, or worse yet, tell me he can’t deal with my level of crazy. But I’m so fucking tired of pretending I’m okay when I’m not. I know in my brain that he won’t leave, or tell me to deal with it on my own, but I’m just so used to everyone around me bailing when I’m not 100% okay that I’m terrified he is going to do the same thing. Its not fair to him to hide it from him, but I don’t want to burden him even further than he already is. He already does so much, and I’m spoiled to the point of excess when it comes to how much he does for me and our life together that it doesn’t seem fair to burden him with something I know how to take care of.
I just don’t like who I become when I take care of it, because taking care of the crazy involves crazy pills, which turn me into someone I don’t really like. I know its a trial and error game and I didn’t give it enough time last time, but how different can they really be? And figuring out the right combination is so exhausting, that I don’t know if I can deal with it with everything else that is going on. I know I have a pretty bleak outlook on everything tonight because I’m tired and I’ve been up for almost 17 hours, but I just want to be better.
My head and uterus aren’t exactly helping matters either. This whole cramping like I’m 16 again and having headaches from hell isn’t helping me deal with my shit. I’m just tired.
sucks big fat hairy monkey balls.
My dog Buttercup is 11 years old and has a giant growth on her back that my parents can’t afford to have operated on to find out if its cancer or not. She doesn’t seem to be in pain and is eating normally, so the plan is to let her be until it affects her quality of life. I love that dog more than sense. She got me through some rough times in my life, and I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for her. It broke my heart when my mom told me. And then, this morning I find out Joe’s brother’s cat MIckey had to be put to sleep last night. He was very old and had multiple health problems, but it just sucks. Joe was pretty upset and I felt completely helpless to do anything for him.
I just… I hate this. I realize death is a part of life, and animals usually do not outlive their humans, but it just sucks. For people whose pets are genuinely part of their family, the loss is just hard to deal with. On the one hand, you feel like you shouldn’t be grieving for them like you are because they’re “just” a pet. On the other hand, it really does feel like you’ve lost a very important person in your life. It’s hard to explain, but I’m sure my fellow pet owners will understand.
In other news, I turned another year older! I’m officially 3 decades old now. I’m also starting over on my “professional” blog with wordpress’ zero to hero challenge. Head on over HERE to follow along 🙂 The last few weeks have been hectic with the holiday’s and my birthday, but I’m slowly settling back into my routine, and hope to add a few things to it that have been missing lately. Here are my goals for the new year:
1. Write more. Be it blogging, journaling, or novel writing, I NEED to get back into the habit of writing, which is why I’ve decided to do the 30 day challenge with wordpress. All the experts say that if you do something everyday for 30 days, it becomes habit, so I am hoping that is the case for me. I’m also planning on participating in NaNoWriMo this year, for the first time ever! I’m hoping that by writing everyday, I will get in the habit and it will just come naturally to me when next November rolls around.
2. Cut back on the junk food/unhealthy eating habits. I am the queen of barely eating during the day and then scarfing down everything in sight when I get home at night. It needs to stop. I’m getting married next October and want to have a good selection of dresses to choose from this spring when I start looking for my dress, and the best way to do that is to lose some weight. Since food is the biggest hurdle for me, I will be concentrating on this for the time being. Eventually I’ll incorporate exercise as well, but I need to stick to my goals, and the best way to do that is to not push myself so hard that when I eventually mess up, I just give up entirely. This way I know I will be able to stick to it, and when I do mess up, I won’t feel completely defeated and give up entirely.
3. Cut back on the self-negativity. There is a difference between knowing your limitations and letting your limitations dictate how you act in life. I have a very bad habit of being very negative about myself, and I think that is what is holding me back in life. So it needs to stop now. As a friend put it, I need to start blowing sunshine and roses out my ass until I start believing in myself. So once a week, I will be writing down a list of at least three things I accomplished that week and/or like about myself. I may publish them, I may not. I haven’t decided yet, and that is perfectly okay.
Well, that is about all I can think of, and its super late, so I need to take the dog out and then head to bed. Goodnight everyone!