Me and Joe at the beach, taken by my best friend

Me and Joe at the beach, taken by my best friend

I should start off with an apology. Yesterday’s post turned into a woe is me, I hate my life rant that never should have seen the light of day. I’d like to say thank you to all the people who took the time to read it, I know it wasn’t easy to read.

The second thing I’d like to start with is a confession. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2007, shortly after my ex committed suicide. I’m not currently on any medication (no health insurance and no money to pay out of pocket), but I do have other coping mechanisms that don’t take care of the symptoms the way medication does, but do allow me to function on a somewhat consistent basis. I’ve just chosen not to use them over the last few weeks, and yesterday’s post was a culmination of that.

I can’t guarantee it won’t happen again, but I’ve sat down with Joe and gone over my concerns and my fears, and he is going to keep me accountable. I’m going to finish this post and then get off the computer for a little bit to clear my head and make some breakfast, and then I’ll be back to start the job hunt. Wish me luck?


I HATE being so…


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Depressed. I hate even using that word, because it just sounds so defeated. But that is what I am right now. And its paralyzing me, keeping from doing the things I know I need to do. I get on the computer with every intention of looking for a job, with just a “quick stop” at one of my blogs to update it “really quick” and when I look up again, its 3:30 in the afternoon and I haven’t filled out a single application or sent my resume to one potential employer. We’re running out of money and things to sell, so something needs to happen, and soon. I’m so scared, and I just want this nightmare to be over.

Its hard…


To put into words how I’ve felt over the last week. A week and one day ago, two cowards killed three innocent people and changed hundreds of lives forever. This past Friday those two cowards were caught by the BPD and the FBI. One of them died, the other one is alive and healing in a hospital so that he can go to trial for his crimes. Before they were caught the two cowards killed another person who was simply doing their job, and severely wounded another. They endangered thousands of other people in their attempt to flee, and showed no regard for human life as they lobbed pipe bombs out the window of their moving car as they were being chased by the authorities. After the first coward was killed, his brother ran him over in his attempt to get away from the police.

It makes me incredibly angry that these two men, who have been in the U.S since they were children, have so little regard for human life that they would end the lives of four people who did nothing to them, and for what? Their “faith“? If they hated America so much, why did they continue to live here and enjoy the freedoms that they so callously took away from four people last week? There is no justifying their crimes. None whatsoever. If your faith tells you to kill innocent people then it is a perverted faith, one that has no place in a free society. That is the beauty of the U.S. We are free to believe, or not believe, in any religion we want, so long as we extend that same freedom to others. Bombing a gathering of thousands of people to promote your faith is in direct contradiction of that freedom. And it is for that exact reason that the people responsible for this terrible crime should face the full weight of the American justice system.

Personally, I think the one who died got the easy way out. He will never have to answer for his crimes. If there is a hell, I hope he is rotting away for the rest of eternity, but since I can’t say for certain there is, I stand by my original statement. He got off easy.

As for what happens to his brother, my emotions have run the gamut. I want him to fry in an electric chair, or better yet be shot to pieces by a firing squad so he can feel at least a fraction of what his victims felt as they were dying. Fuck his rights to die in as little pain as possible. I want him to be in unspeakable pain when the light leaves his eyes since that is the death sentence he handed down to the victims of the bombing. And then there is the other end of the spectrum. I want him to rot away in prison for the rest of his miserable life. And screw putting him in protective custody. Let him get a taste of prison justice after the other inmates learn why his ass is going to be in jail for the rest of his life.

What is harder for me to deal with is the human aftermath. The outpouring of love and support I have felt from everyone has been astounding. From watching other people run TOWARDS the site of the bombings with no regard to their safety, to the people lined up outside blood banks to donate, including people who had just finished the marathon running straight to the local hospitals to donate. Its amazing what happens when tragedy strikes. We may have our flaws, but at the end of the day, most of the Americans I know will stand up and help when its needed, and I couldn’t be more proud of the way we have responded as a country to this senseless attack.

I’d like to take a moment to respond to some of the less than stellar responses I’ve seen over the last week, though I am loathe to give you more attention. To those of you who think we somehow deserved this (ahem, Westboro Baptist Church), FUCK YOU and your hate filled nonsense. You are just as despicable to me as the two cowards that committed this atrocious crime. I hope you rot in hell right along with these two, you are disgrace to this country and the people who work hard to make sure you have the right to spew your vitriol.

To the conspiracy theorists stating that the government knew about this in advance and did nothing to stop it and/or had a hand in making it happen, please kindly shut the fuck up. I highly doubt that if they had known about it, they would have allowed it to happen, especially considering several people lost their lives as a result, and countless more will be impacted for decades to come. If you are so concerned with our government’s ability and desire to protect its citizens why are you still here? Why are you sending your children to public schools and driving on public roads?

To those stating the surviving bomber should be stripped of his rights, I don’t think that is a path any of us want to go down. If he deserves to be stripped of his rights as an American citizen, where does it stop? We have these laws in place for a reason, and as much as I want this guy to fry, I know it is a dangerously slippery slope to revoke his rights. As much as I hate him and the things he did, I know that if I were to ever be accused of committing a crime, I would want my rights protected, especially if I wasn’t guilty. Plus, if we strip him of his rights, what kind of nation would we be? No better than the country’s we claim to loathe (North Korea, for example) and strive to be better than in every possible way. As much as I hate to say it, this guy needs to stand trial so he can answer for the horrible things he did, and the only way to guarantee that happens is to make sure he has the right to a jury trial.


Summer Rae Speaks

This morning I woke up praying to a higher being that I may or may not believe in that the bombings at the Boston Marathon yesterday was just a bad dream, that the city my son is named after and a city that I considered my backyard while growing up really didn’t get violently attacked and disrespected.

I turned on the TV and the coverage made it clear that it wasn’t a bad dream but a nightmare that we can’t wake up from. It happened and it was real. After feeding Boston, my son, I went online to find some more information regarding the tragedy and saw post after post claiming that the government was behind the bombing and that it’s a conspiracy. I instantly felt my blood begin to boil and tears filled my eyes simultaneously.

It hasn’t even been 24 hours since the bombing and people think they…

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My Heart Hurts

Me and Joe at the beach, taken by my best friend

Me and Joe at the beach, taken by my best friend

I can’t begin to tell you how angry I am at the events that happened yesterday at the Boston Marathon. Among the dead is an 8 year old little boy, who was there to watch his father finish the race. His sister lost one leg and his mother suffered a traumatic brain injury which required surgery. He had  hugged his father as he crossed the finish line just moments before the bomb went off. What I want to know is why.

What made the person/people responsible think this was acceptable? That it was okay to take the life of an INNOCENT little boy, who only wanted to watch his father finish the race? What did HE do that was so heinous that you felt you had no other option but to take his life? Or what about the other victims, the dozens of people injured in the attack? We can only hope that no one else dies, but with some of the pictures I’ve seen online (no, I’m not going to post them here), I think its unlikely that the death toll won’t rise. What was their crime? What did they do to deserve (in some instances) a life time of suffering?

The answer is NOTHING. There is no crime they could have committed that would warrant the amount of suffering these people are going through. Or their families and friends. Lets not forget them. Many of them were there. Many of them saw their loved ones fall victim to this senseless attack, and narrowly escaped themselves. There is no crime they could have committed that could warrant the amount of suffering these people will continue to go through, many of them for the rest of their lives. The little girl of the male victim I talked about earlier? She was SIX YEARS OLD. She will spend the rest of her life without the use of her leg, and that is assuming she survives.

To whoever did this, I hope we find you. I think that we will. I don’t think there is a cave you can hide in where we won’t find you. And I hope that when we do find you, that you are made to suffer just as greatly as you have made those people suffer. You are scum. Despicable, the lowest of the low. I have every confidence in the people of Boston and the world at large to move on from this. I hope you never will. I hope you spend the rest of your short, miserable life running in fear, knowing that we will get justice for the people you murdered.

To the people using this for political/personal/financial gain. You are only slightly better than the person/people responsible for this, and I hope you realize just how disgusting you are. You disgust me. The fact that you are using this attack to further any agenda is despicable to me, and I hope you realize just how abhorrent your remarks are to those of us who actually have a heart, to those of us who actually care about the people who were hurt by this terrible tragedy. There is no justification, there is no reason why you should be using this TRAGEDY to further your cause.

To the people who ran into help without a second thought. Thank you. I hope you realize how brave I think you are, and how brave the rest of the world considers you to be. You saw suffering and instead of holding back, you ran into the fray to help, and I am sure there are lives that will be saved as a result of your actions. You are my hero, and the reason I still have hope for humanity. Thank you.

Mind = Blown

The God Delusion

That title isn’t an exaggeration. In Dawkin’s book The God Delusion he talks about a series of islands in the pacific that were occupied by Allied forces during WWII. The natives of the island had been living in relative obscurity compared to the rest of the world, and the things the “white men” brought with them astounded the natives to the point that they began to worship them. They’re called cargo cults, and the natives truly believed the ships to be gods worthy of WORSHIP because the white men had RADIOS and sent broken stuff away on the huge ships (and eventually planes), only to have new stuff replaced by those big ships. They were even convinced that the movements of the soldiers (marching in formation, wearing matching uniforms, etc) was a form of worship to their god to encourage him to send more stuff. They even believe that there will be an apocalypse and second coming of the ship gods.

The crazy part? Each of these islands, which are relatively secluded from one another and the outside world formed different cults almost SIMULTANEOUSLY. Go wrap your brain around THAT one.