It’s Been…

A rough couple of days. My assignment ended yesterday, so now I’m out of work… again. Joe put in a good word for me with his job, so hopefully something will pan out on that end. If not, its back to the job hunt… again.

On Sunday, I told Joe I needed to go back on medication for bipolar disorder. He was more accepting than I could have hoped for.  Now to just finish my application for health care and get the long process of health started. I’m not going to settle like I did last time. I’m just not looking forward to the process. It’s going to be a lot of trial and error, and it can take a while.

And its not like I don’t have a lot on my plate already. School, job hunt, planning the wedding. Other health concerns that warrant attention themselves. Family issues that would make the housewives on any of those housewives shows head’s spin. A house that seems to constantly get dirty faster than I can clean it. In a word, stress. I don’t do stress well, and the last few days have been proof positive of that. I just need to stay focused on the long term goal: getting healthy for me.

IT’S FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two whole glorious days of not having to work are ahead of me. It brightens my outlook considerably. I have a pint of late night snack in the freezer, an incredible man screaming obscenities at the video game he is playing in front of me, and two whole days to focus on ME. On the agenda for tomorrow is a pampering day full of bubble baths and pretty nails, then Sunday is an “us” day, hanging out with my most favorite person in the whole world. We have plans to go get him a hair cut and me an eyebrow wax (the price of beauty), but other than that, I plan on lounging for the rest of the day in pj’s.

Yesterday was… bad. I’ve decided to leave the post up as a reminder that it’s okay to have bad days. We all have them, they’re what make us human. I’m going to talk to Joe on Sunday once we’ve both had a chance to relax and mellow out, and I think I’m going to print it out and/or show it to him. After 4 1/2 years together, he deserves to know the truth. I realize he’ll probably be upset with me for hiding it from him for so long, but something has to change. While I know we all have bad days, mine tend to have a negative impact on my life, and I don’t want that to happen. I’ll be finishing my application for health care this weekend, so hopefully I will be able to start the journey towards being bodily and mindfully healthy again.

I can’t promise there won’t be bad days. There will be. Last time I started this journey it took me six months to find medication that worked, and even then it had some rather difficult side effects. I’m not going to compromise this time, even if it takes longer to find the right combination and dosage. I need to be better, and I’m determined to get there any way I can.

Just Another Thursday…

I’m going to do my best to post here and on my main blog everyday. If it happens, fantastic. If not, I won’t beat myself up over it. Today’s post is going to be a bit of a “brain drain” and may or may not get deleted tomorrow morning when I realize I let a little too much crazy show. But until then, here it is:

I’m scared. My health has taken a nose dive in the last few weeks. Its all I can do to drag myself out of bed every morning, and two days to recharge just isn’t enough with having to keep the house clean and just generally be a responsible adult who takes care of her responsibilities on a regular basis. Throw in the wedding planning and school, and its a fucking miracle I haven’t snapped yet. I’m afraid that its going to be directed at Joe, and the mini meltdown I had last week tells me I’m not putting my mental health high enough on the list of priorities, and that needs to change quickly before I push Joe away.

The problem is, even after 4 1/2 years together, I’m afraid to show him just how crazy I really am. I’m afraid he’ll leave, or worse yet, tell me he can’t deal with my level of crazy. But I’m so fucking tired of pretending I’m okay when I’m not. I know in my brain that he won’t leave, or tell me to deal with it on my own, but I’m just so used to everyone around me bailing when I’m not 100% okay that I’m terrified he is going to do the same thing. Its not fair to him to hide it from him, but I don’t want to burden him even further than he already is. He already does so much, and I’m spoiled to the point of excess when it comes to how much he does for me and our life together that it doesn’t seem fair to burden him with something I know how to take care of.

I just don’t like who I become when I take care of it, because taking care of the crazy involves crazy pills, which turn me into someone I don’t really like. I know its a trial and error game and I didn’t give it enough time last time, but how different can they really be? And figuring out the right combination is so exhausting, that I don’t know if I can deal with it with everything else that is going on. I know I have a pretty bleak outlook on everything tonight because I’m tired and I’ve been up for almost 17 hours,  but I just want to be better.

My head and uterus aren’t exactly helping matters either. This whole cramping like I’m 16 again and having headaches from hell isn’t helping me deal with my shit. I’m just tired.

Getting Old…

sucks big fat hairy monkey balls.

My dog Buttercup is 11 years old and has a giant growth on her back that my parents can’t afford to have operated on to find out if its cancer or not. She doesn’t seem to be in pain and is eating normally, so the plan is to let her be until it affects her quality of life. I love that dog more than sense. She got me through some rough times in my life, and I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for her. It broke my heart when my mom told me. And then, this morning I find out Joe’s brother’s cat MIckey had to be put to sleep last night. He was very old and had multiple health problems, but it just sucks. Joe was pretty upset and I felt completely helpless to do anything for him.

I just… I hate this. I realize death is a part of life, and animals usually do not outlive their humans, but it just sucks. For people whose pets are genuinely part of their family, the loss is just hard to deal with. On the one hand, you feel like you shouldn’t be grieving for them like you are because they’re “just” a pet. On the other hand, it really does feel like you’ve lost a very important person in your life. It’s hard to explain, but I’m sure my fellow pet owners will understand.

In other news, I turned another year older! I’m officially 3 decades old now. I’m also starting over on my “professional” blog with wordpress’ zero to hero challenge. Head on over HERE to follow along :-) The last few weeks have been hectic with the holiday’s and my birthday, but I’m slowly settling back into my routine, and hope to add a few things to it that have been missing lately. Here are my goals for the new year:

1. Write more. Be it blogging, journaling, or novel writing, I NEED to get back into the habit of writing, which is why I’ve decided to do the 30 day challenge with wordpress. All the experts say that if you do something everyday for 30 days, it becomes habit, so I am hoping that is the case for me. I’m also planning on participating in NaNoWriMo this year, for the first time ever! I’m hoping that by writing everyday, I will get in the habit and it will just come naturally to me when next November rolls around.

2. Cut back on the junk food/unhealthy eating habits. I am the queen of barely eating during the day and then scarfing down everything in sight when I get home at night. It needs to stop. I’m getting married next October and want to have a good selection of dresses to choose from this spring when I start looking for my dress, and the best way to do that is to lose some weight. Since food is the biggest hurdle for me, I will be concentrating on this for the time being. Eventually I’ll incorporate exercise as well, but I need to stick to my goals, and the best way to do that is to not push myself so hard that when I eventually mess up, I just give up entirely. This way I know I will be able to stick to it, and when I do mess up, I won’t feel completely defeated and give up entirely.

3. Cut back on the self-negativity. There is a difference between knowing your limitations and letting your limitations dictate how you act in life. I have a very bad habit of being very negative about myself, and I think that is what is holding me back in life. So it needs to stop now. As a friend put it, I need to start blowing sunshine and roses out my ass until I start believing in myself. So once a week, I will be writing down a list of at least three things I accomplished that week and/or like about myself. I may publish them, I may not. I haven’t decided yet, and that is perfectly okay.

Well, that is about all I can think of, and its super late, so I need to take the dog out and then head to bed. Goodnight everyone!

The differences

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Four and a half years ago I met the man I will one day soon call my husband. We’re actively making plans to make the most important commitment two people can make to one another. Next October we’ll make it official in front of the people closest to us, and honestly, if I could do it today, I probably would. He is my everything, my reason for getting up every morning. Even if we have a bad day, we can always rely on the other to be there the next morning.

The same couldn’t be said for my first real relationship. Every time we would argue, he would threaten to break up with me. If we did break up (or take a “break,” as he liked to call it), I would always be the one begging him to come back, which usually consisted of 2-3 weeks of me bending over backwards to make him feel like I was committed to the relationship. I see the irony now, considering he was the one with massive commitment issues, but at the time, all I felt was that I was the one with problems, not him.

After that, I would walk on egg shells for a few months, only to have it blow up in my face when I expressed anything he considered to be “negative” feelings about our relationship. This happened so many times I’ve lost count of the number of times we broke up/got back together. Our mutual “friends” would almost always take his side, saying I was the one with the problem, that I was being too sensitive and needy, and that I needed to back off. Which was probably all true. I have a very bad habit of clinging tighter when I think someone is slipping away from me, but the fact that they saw nothing wrong with his emotional black mail and even ENCOURAGED it was the nail in the coffin as far as our friendships were concerned. Oh and their sleeping with him. That definitely didn’t help, but that is beside the point.

Its taken me all these years to finally figure out what the big difference between my two major relationships were. With Joe, I feel needed, like it would cause him physical, mental, and emotional pain to lose me. With my ex, I didn’t feel needed or appreciated. I was arm candy that could be disposed of if I got too difficult to deal with. After I found out he was gay, I finally realized that is exactly what I was. How could someone think he was gay if he had a girlfriend, right? His family never even suspected, not even his twin brother. When they found out it was as if the world had stopped turning. His suicide paled in comparison to finding out he was gay. It made me realize why he worked so hard to hide it from them, he knew he would lose everything if they knew.

But it still didn’t make what he did to me okay. He could have trusted me with the truth, and I probably would have helped him. Would I have been angry at being lied to? Absolutely. But I loved him, and I wanted what was best for him. If that couldn’t be me, then I would have helped him get to where he needed to be to be happy, even if that meant hiding who he was from his family. I deserved better. He deserved to be happy. Neither one of us acted honestly in our relationship, and it cost the world one of its best people.

I couldn’t have realized all this until I met Joe though. Before I was bitter. I felt wronged, and no amount of pointing out my failings in our relationship made me realize that I was partially at fault for the way it ended. Our friends and his family, as well as his actions were definitely the bulk of the problems, but I should have stood up for myself and walked away long before I actually did instead of begging him to take me back more times than I care to remember. I should have realized that he never loved me the way I loved him, and I was fighting a losing battle trying to keep him.

I can’t write this without adding that my ex helped me become the person I am today. I’m stronger. I realize that my feelings are valid, and its okay to feel the way I do. By making me feel worthless and unneeded, he helped me realize that I was worth something to a lot of people, and they needed me more than anything in this world. While I still have lingering issues from the way he treated me, 95% of the time I’m a confident, happy person that realizes her worth in this world, and I can only thank my ex for that.

Not even going to bother…

with apologizing, I know I suck at life at this point. I just need to vent. Forgive me?

I FUCKING HATE SNOWBIRDS. Go back to fucking whatever cold ass state you came from and stop fucking congesting my freeways and crowding my shopping establishments. You can’t deal with this state when its surface of the sun hot, you don’t get to enjoy the cooler weather either. Just pack up and go home NOW. You are not welcome here and everyone that lives here full time hates your fucking guts.

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And take your shitastic weather with you, its driving me batshit.

Okay, rant over, I think. Other things have been driving me crazy, but in an effort to stay positive, I’m going to try and avoid the negative. What’s been going on, you ask?

Well, we have a date, time, and location for our wedding. Head on over HERE to check out all the details!

I got a “real” engagement ring. You can see the pretty shiny HERE!

We’re having Christmas dinner at our house!

I have a bottle of wine that I have every intention of finishing tonight. I’m two glasses in and feeling fantastic. I also have some Lindor truffles that have improved my night considerably.

Joe made dinner tonight and I helped! I’ll also be making dinner tomorrow night, Jambalaya!

Well, I’m on my third glass of wine, Joe is snoring on the couch and I keep getting distracted by the tv , so I will post again when I post again!

I am the world’s worst blogger

I really am, but that’s okay, right? I hope so. Life has been, well, life. Busy between work and school, still working out the details of the wedding (we’ve found a place!), and making sure to find the balance between pleasing others and taking care of myself. After a whirlwind few weekends, I declared last weekend Joe and I only time. Not everyone was horribly pleased about it, but we needed the break. We went to the fair on Sunday, spent way too much money, came home, crashed for a few hours, then went to get ramen for dinner. With Joe’s new schedule we only have one weekend day off together, but he works so early that he’s home by 2pm on Saturday, so its not a complete waste of a day if we actually go out and do stuff.

Oh! I got a new computer! A brand new, only ever been owned by me computer! Since my mac died we’ve been living off hand me downs and borrowed computers, but I got my financial aid check a few weeks ago, so we got me a new computer and Joe a ps3 since he had to sell his a few months ago. They had some ridiculously good deals t Walmart for both, so we didn’t spend all that much. Since I only use the computer for school and blogging, we didn’t need the super mac daddy of computers.

Well, I have to get ready for work, so I will talk to everyone later!

Life and other adventures

Photo on 6-28-13 at 7.20 PM

I feel like every time I log on to blog, I lose all interest, so I put it off for weeks on end. Its not like I don’t have things to talk about. I have the wedding, school, the job hunt, my crazy family, and all the things that seem to come crashing down around you when you announce to your family that you’ve decided to marry the man of your dreams. There are so many societal rules when it comes to getting married that if I wasn’t my mom’s only girl I’d run off to the courthouse and just get it all over with.

But I’ve got those pesky little things called dreams. I’ve dreamed of my dress since I was a little girl, and whenever I pictured my wedding day, I was surrounded by my family and friends. And then lets add in the fact that my mom would be absolutely crushed if I were to get married without her there. So a wedding it is.

Part of me is excited, really excited. And then another part of me is dreading everything. I hate planning and organizing almost as much as I hate being the center of attention. I’mt not the most coordinated of people in the world, and I’m terrified of embarrassing myself in front of everyone. Adding a 20 pound dress and heels into the mix is definitely not going to help in that department.

But I know that if I don’t have the wedding I want, I will end up resenting myself and Joe because we settled. We took the easy way out when what I wanted was just out of reach. We’re being responsible and saving the money before we do anything, which means its going to take a bit longer to have what I want. I’ve waited four years, I don’t think a few more months is going to be a problem. We’re keeping the guest list small, so even if we do have a full reception, it won’t be that expensive.